Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Laying on a 2x8 board, speeding through the air like a witch. The sky a soft blue. I'm flying over a highway that is curvy, but I am using all my will to balance this board straight as an arrow. If I tip it I'll tumble into a vortex of air that will shoot me somewhere, my dream mind does not know. I am aware my only purpose is to keep this board flat and maintain speed. Korlyn suddenly appears to my left side near my legs. On the periphery. She is using only her body, in a vertical stance, at my speed but floating. She says, "Mommy" and goes to touch my back. I tell her not to touch me because I'll tip. She disappears, returns and wants my attention. I am so focused on staying on the board, maintaining this speed. 

Thoughts upon waking: Wondering, well, what was I maintaining that speed for. Maybe tumbling out would not lead to some unknown demise but instead something greater, but in my need to control my speed and position, I missed out. Maybe that is what Korlyn was trying to get my attention for. Lately time with my kids seems to be racing by, the precipice of Cole becoming an adult and transitioning from our home leaves me often anxious and in tears. What did I miss out on with him? It's a gnawing feeling. Maybe I don't need to fret on time speeding by, trying to only balance in one place, but focus instead on the beauty that surrounds that road. The road is just the time, but what surrounds it is the life.  

I am fading again into a dream state away from my woken thoughts about the prior dream. Again I am at high speed but balancing my body over mounds of earth covered by a thin veil of water. Crashing waves of ocean against the slope on either side of the mounds of earth. Similar to barefoot skiing, except I cannot feel the water. It's beyond smooth, like it's part of my being. It's carrying me this time, but I am still cautious of tumbling to the side, into the waves, the unknown. The veil of water is creamy feeling now, sharp reflections, icy blue. The sun is shining brilliantly and the air is warm. In this dream I am able to see a 180 degree view and I slowly look down to the waves, up to the sun and around to the vast blue. The same soft blue as my last dream.

Thoughts upon waking: Somethings constant like the soft blue sky. The feeling of moving at high speeds to an invisible goal. The feeling of slowing down and noticing. The feeling of coming off tilter. The feeling of being challenged and surrounded by care. The variable of time and space. Changes to the scenery. What I notice and what I don't. 

Thursday, April 9, 2020

The Challenger

sketch of alligator from dream

Once again I dream of alligators...many years later. One of the first dreams I wrote of here and the last I left before I left this space....holding a place for me to come back.

I have a friend who read my blog this year and has continued to encourage me to write. For longer than I should have abandoned something I enjoyed, I find that I return with more of a need, or desire, or want than just pure enjoyment of writing. I feel a need to express, and which exemplified itself in recent dreams. I read in Spirits of the Earth, A Guide to Native American Symbols, Stories  and Ceremonies, by Bobby Lake- an alligator is a sign of a "challenger"

The scene is the back of a house on the outside of the fence to the yard and I am looking up at the back porch. Everything around me is murky brown save for the lone light bulb hanging heavy with moths flitting back and forth against its glow. I am physically on the outside of the fence and I put one eye to a hole in the wood and like miraculous vision I can see the whole yard. It's filled with water. Water is an element I often dream about in so many forms. It accompanies me to work out the depths of my inner dialogue.

So here I am in this scenario. In a yard filled with swampy water. I feel his heavy presence. This alligator has been waiting on me, a sense I pick up on within this dream.

I have to cross a yard filled with water. If you can imagine filling your backyard with water then you would imagine it filled with grass, leaves and the opaque color of dirt. It's filthy and he's lurking in the corner. I have to get to my mom for some reason. It's not apparent in this dream but it's necessary. I look to the lit up porch once more and I can hear faint music and talking. No one knows I am here, facing this challenge.

Like the game of Pacman, if I swim the alligator moves slowly towards my direction. I freeze. He stops, turns his eye in my direction. We keep up this game of cat and mouse, inch by inch. I can feel my heart pounding. I wonder after I wake if it was actually rapid in my sleep state.

My last approach is to jump up on the porch, which will cause commotion. The risk; Stay where I am temporarily safe, but with mounting pressure, or leap to something calling me, not sure what it's about, only that it's necessary.

The challenger. I take the risk. I leap to the porch and as in a cliché movie scene, I jump and the alligators snaps, clamping down hard on its own teeth. He fails to connect falling back to the murky water and I make it to the porch. People rush out at the sudden noise and grab my arms. I wake suddenly. Not necessarily at peace, but moody about the alligator and water symbol. They won't leave me alone. Alligator and Water. Challenger and Change. I'm am wrestling with these two and I will have to seek them out and face them now.